Saturday, February 6, 2010

Deleting the Profile and Loving the Feeling

I woke up in a surprisingly good mood today, full of energy in contrast to my usual winter blues. I picked up my computer, looked at it dubiously, and then connected to the internet. The MSN messenger window immediately popped up in that annoying way that it does, with a few ‘contacts’ already online. After years and years of not using it, I had reinstated MSN messenger about a year ago because my grandma wanted to keep in touch that way. For a while she was my only contact, and a zealous one at that. However, after beginning my online experiment I found my number of ‘friends’ increasing markedly, most of whom I’ve discussed in this blog at various points (and a few who certainly didn’t provide any revelations worth writing about). My MSN Messenger had seemingly become the virtual version of Omar Khayyam’s Caravanserai:

Think, in this batter'd Caravanserai
Whose Doorways are alternate Night and Day,
How Sultan after Sultan with his Pomp
Abode his destined hour, and went his way.

Each ‘sultan’ had certainly left his mark on my MSN account, with his little ‘buddy’ icon always visible on my list of contacts to remind me of my failed relationships. Every one of these ‘gay friends’ had at one point demonstrated a distinctly personal interest in me. At the beginning you would have thought that, all of a sudden, I was the very centre of their universe. I was always more restrained myself, but over time I usually outdid most of them in terms of thoughtful, friendly overtures, intended to consolidate the new friendship. To Jean-Marc and Damien I sent postcards from around the world when they had shown an interest in the places I traveled. I bought books at a university book sale for Robert on the subjects he was passionate about. I sincerely offered to help Pietro with his groceries when he was sick, and I’ve lost track of the number of times I invited Michel out (both before and after his coming out as HIV+) and informed him about events around town he might be interested in. And we won’t count the innumerable personal e-mails that I exchanged (thoughtful, judicious, and always in the best tastes). And I was always the last person to reciprocate, at the end usually twice without a response.

Clearly what I had to offer was never enough, and no one stuck. A few (like Jean-Marc, Pietro, and François) I never even got to meet out of their own laziness, yet their names pop up when they log onto MSN to taunt but never to talk to me. It was always awkward those last few times writing them and receiving no response. Everyone I did meet more or less outright rejected me or made the quick transition from romantic limboland to strict friendship. This was an acceptable outcome for me, but never a good feeling, and even though I should have been insulted I found myself having to do all the work to maintain the friendship as I felt the other person slowly slipping away. What’s going on here, and how do I justify my complete failure to be of interest to the men I meet, all from various backgrounds and walks of life? Why do they put so much effort into getting to know me, hour after hour after hour, and then throw it all away? Why go to all the effort of starting from scratch with someone new, without ever finishing what you started with the people you have already gotten to know and may enjoy?

I was fully aware that this outcome was likely, as I discussed in my post “Finding Social Connectedness: My Online Experiment.” Despite my pessimistic realism, I stayed true to my ethical oath as discussed in that particular article, in which I promised to treat every person who talked to me online as I would talking to them in person. I never not responded. I always kept my wits about me, always honest, always treated everyone I came across as a human being. My conversation was always good-natured, and I never rejected, ignored, or insulted anyone. Most importantly, I always kept in mind that there was a person with a potentially beautiful soul on the other end, no matter what they were seeking or what was said in their profile. I was able to see these individuals as real human beings, a pulse, people each with their own positive qualities and faults. Furthermore, I was always realistic; to me they never became fantastical online personas that I could accept, obsess over, and dispose of at whim. Nor could I really envision myself in a romantic situation with them if I had not spent real time with them. The fact of the matter is, it is the real person, the person with human failings that I eventually meet, that interests me most, not the person I would like them to be or become. I find the imperfect reality much more beautiful than the fantasy.

I like to think I keep a fairly good-natured personality most of the time (and no one I met ever seemed averse to it, in fact quite the contrary). And one thing that this experience has taught me is that quite a few people would take the title of this blog as a personal insult to their tastes! That is probably one of the best things about the experience—I can now look more confidently in the mirror, knowing that there are some very handsome men out there who seem to find my physical appearance irresistible for whatever reason. So if it’s not my personality and not my physical appearance that turns them off, what is it then?

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that people don’t treat their online experience with the same ethical standards and seriousness that I do. The virtual world for them is a world of personas, not people. There is a seemingly boundless sea of individuals, many of them beautiful, all potential lovers, and it’s easy to get caught up in the possibility of it all without ever establishing anything real at the end of the day. When engaging with someone online, it’s easy to stop listening to them and project onto them what you want them to be. You see someone who you think is beautiful, you contact them and find out that they have a nice personality, and suddenly they become the great white hope! In other words, fantasy takes over. The problem is when you meet the great white hope and realize that he is a real person with a dimple on his forehead and who sometimes slips on the icy sidewalk when he walks. Reality strikes—this is actually a physical person you’ve been talking to, not bad but not exactly living up to the standards of the fantasy. Even if he shows distinct interest in continuing the relationship, the once great hope, the fantasy, has already died. It seems easiest to cut your losses and go back to the drawing board, try to meet someone new, and dive back into the unknown to revive the fantasy. And the cycle repeats itself.

The “you” I’ve just described has always been one of my new ‘friends,’ and the serious “guy,” the one who is happy with his reality, has always been me in this formulaic scenario. As the one who is always being left behind in the frantic rush to the next great hope, I find the experience discouraging and off-putting. Why can’t anyone look at what is in front of them anymore, talk themselves down from the fantasy and appreciate and find beauty in their reality? I see myself discovering more and more beauty in the people I meet as I get to know them, but for the other party that doesn’t seem to be the case. I’d like to say that this only happens in the online world, but in reality I find that a lot of friendships made in the real world follow the same cycle: an initial period of interest, a courtship, then abandoning the friend (and reciprocation) for the excuse of being “busy” with something/someone else.

I recently had an experience that I thought was particularly telling, and I would like to recount it here. A man named Aurèle approached me online and started talking to me. I was disconcerted by his profile, in which he seemed to be showing off his bare chest. Although his chest was nothing to write home about (and I speak as someone for whom that is also true), even if it was I’m always worried about the message that the other person is trying to send by putting their torso on display. Having already lost something of my conviction for the process, I wrote him a meaningful note every week or so. By taking a while to respond, I usually ensure that most of the overly-eager fantasy builders have impatiently moved on to another person of interest, while maintaining my likeability in the whole affair. After all, I’m never outright or officially ignoring or rejecting anyone, I honestly do have a busy professional life, and in my spare time there are many other things I’d rather do. Despite my reservations about Aurèle’s chest display (which I have come to honestly expect as some sort of misdirected attempt at personal ‘advertisement’ in the world of gay men), I continued to contact him as his responses became more and more engaging with time. Finally we made the jump to e-mail and MSN, in which we had several interesting conversations. They were more awkward than many I was used to, however, because he clearly had a strong desire to get to know me in a romantic way and seemed rather insecure that I would reject him. I learned he was a painter, and we had a lot to exchange in that regard. Honestly, his own personal modesty and willingness to demonstrate his fear of failure only served to make me more open to him.

But I still had reservations—his MSN photo was the same shirtless scene from his profile. Furthermore, he had plastered there next to his MSN name, in rather awkward English, ‘Can I have your MSN? I am a hot male!’ He said it was a joke, but I had to wonder. I didn’t think he was massively hot, but I did honestly like his distinctive look with a bald head and a short, prematurely-grey beard. I was certainly open to getting to know him, but in any case, it was clear that he had been going at it with other men on MSN for a while. Furthermore, as we talked it became apparent that he was rapidly building a fantasy world with me at its centre. At one point I was complaining about the winter weather, and he offered to make me “forget the dull moments of winter.” He couldn’t understand why I had never had a relationship before and seemed rather eager to start one with me. After adding me to his MSN around midweek, he was ready and willing to go out on our first date for the weekend (a bit fast for my tastes), and he asked me out for a coffee or to go to a film. I knew in my heart that it was a waste of time and thought to myself, “oh, well, at least we can get this over with quickly and efficiently.”

We exchanged a couple of light-hearted calls to make plans, but the planning process was a little unorganized. He refused, like so many gay men before him (one example from this blog: Robert), to make plans for a specific time and place until an hour or so before the scheduled meeting. Then when that hour arrived, he wanted to reschedule for the next day. Robert didn’t give an explicit excuse when he did this with me, but Aurèle was honest—he was going to try to take a nap because he was tired from not sleeping well the night before, but he’d call me back in two hours to tell me if he felt up for meeting me that night. I could tell that he was actively on MSN the whole time he was supposedly trying to nap. He called back and said he failed to take a nap and was just too tired to go out with me that night and wanted to ‘recover/rest himself’ (se reposer). It’s not just him; I’ve noticed since beginning this ‘gay life’ experience that a lot of gay men seem to require a frightening amount of recovery time (and honestly, I can’t figure out what they’re doing to exhaust themselves so thoroughly). I was taken aback and thought it was rude, but I had lived through the same experience before with Robert and figured it was just an inconsiderate gay male thing (heterosexual men would NEVER be able to get away with such behaviour, and honestly I shouldn’t be so accepting of it either). He wanted to meet for a walk in Parc Lafontaine the next day, but warned me ahead of time it had to be a short visit because he had to go get car parts.

A walk in a park during the winter, a leap downward from the café or film that he had proposed earlier. I was averse to the idea, but because it was going to be a fairly warm and sunny day I agreed to a noon-time walk (but certainly NOT a colder morning stroll as he would have preferred). He called me the next morning to confirm. I was pleased to see him when we met and extended a welcoming smile. We talked about light-hearted subjects. He was curious about my work, and I played off his interests. I felt more ebullient and charming than ever in my enthusiastic, deliberative, and pensive French, more fluent, good-humoured, and nuanced than ever before. We discussed his paintings for a little while as well. I was appreciating the moment as much as ever, forgetting my former reservations. For that period of time, we were just two guys walking through a park, sharing our time together. I also let him know that I would have more time to get together the following weekend if he were available. He seemed engaged and happy, although he was modest while we were discussing him and his interests. But as soon as it started, it was over. Only 25 minutes after meeting (if that) he said that he unfortunately had to leave to buy car parts. I practically had to force him to shake my hand goodbye. I thought it was a ridiculously short visit (not worth the trip out to the park), but I went ahead and sent him an enthusiastic e-mail with an attachment of the Francis Bacon painting that we were discussing during our walk (he really likes Bacon). He was back on MSN messenger less than two hours later; clearly the car parts excursion wasn’t as taxing and time-consuming as he had made it out to be. It was at that point that it really sank in how massively impolite he had been, and I certainly didn’t feel like I had gotten to know him very well or much about his interests in the 25 minutes we were together. I didn’t know whether I could really like him or not. The only conclusion that I could make about him was that he had been rather impolite (and that I didn’t like).

Apparently Aurèle had, however, seen and heard enough. The fantasy was shattered, the reality was not terrible but clearly not what he expected. He responded to my e-mail on Francis Bacon, but only with a couple of terse, uninspired, cold sentences. A few days later, I tried to contact him on MSN (as he had been the primary initiator before), and after a couple of minutes he wanted to return to watching TV (at least these guys, in their abruptness, are honest). I decided to leave him alone; he certainly knew where to find me. Later he wrote a message on my profile that he had fun during our walk in the park together, but he was "not ready to engage" himself. Then I noticed that Aurèle, who was always popping up on MSN when he wasn’t at work, went days without appearing online. At that point I knew that he had blocked me, or rather weeded me out of his list. I, in turn, blocked him. There was no point keeping someone like that around as a contact, an inconsiderate person who was neither a potential romantic partner nor a friend. He was just another shiftless person, off to chase after the next opportunity. Disappointing, yes, but I was not surprised and honestly somewhat relieved.

It was probably at that time that I realized I needed a break from the website. The endless possibility seems rather drab when reality is never an option. Correspondingly, interacting with people in this way no longer interested me as much; I seemed to have lost my positive attitude toward it, and I was finding it harder and harder to keep my ‘oath of humanity.’ When people did contact me, often with that familiar earnestness, I honestly didn’t want to bother to respond and had to force myself to. The idea of investing time to go through yet another one of these cycles didn’t seem worth the hassle. For now I’m fine with what I’ve gained from the experience—perhaps a little more confidence and, quite honestly, a contentedness with myself and my very single life. I’m rather happy as the complete individual that I am, and my life in Montréal is my own fantasy become reality. No, I’m not perfect, but I accept that imperfection in both myself and others. Furthermore, I’d rather not be someone else’s fantasy but instead live my own reality. In addition, for the first time in my life, I have a few friends who reciprocate and seem to want to spend time with me, and from my online experience I’m going to try to salvage what I can out of my friendship with Robert. That’s not to say I won’t go back to the website because, sad as it is, it’s virtually my only connection to the gay community and the only place where anyone has ever showed an interest in me. But given my current attitudes, I’ve had enough for now and am content to just let myself be who I am, content with the way my life is going and the people who are in it at present. I want to take the time to appreciate what I have in my real world, leaving behind the virtual world for another day.

I woke up thinking that this morning, and staring at my MSN list, I blocked several people one by one (including Michel), all abandoned friendships that I knew were never going to go anywhere. I then went to the website to close down my account, only to discover that I was more popular there than ever. It seemed to be my lucky day for finally getting the attention of the PhDs—an engineer, a medical doctor, and a very exotic man with several PhDs. All of them were alluring individuals and could potentially interact with me on the more intellectual level I have often wanted in friendships and relationships. With the engineer I found myself exchanging poetry, which I admit was somewhat exhilarating. The medical doctor seemed to think that I was ‘super handsome’ (whatever). The one with several PhDs had some grand idea that intellectual passion and physical sensuality should not be mutually exclusive, indicating that he would enjoy getting together with me for some eventual ‘dodo collé’ (that is to say, sleeping while pressed up against each other). To this latter individual, using his own philosophical language, I made it clear to him that I was instead a stoic, and ‘dodo collé’ was not something I did outside of a stable, well-established, long-term relationship. I was also amazed at how these three doctors, all very bright, seem to have forgotten to put on their shirts. At the same time, an attractive man with a bachelor’s education told me exactly what he wanted—“I’m in the mood for pressing up against a hairy body this morning,” and I gave him a recommendation for someone else on the site who I knew was looking for the same thing (which he thanked me for). I told all of these last-minute sycophants that I was leaving the website, and I gave them my e-mail in case they were interested in continuing a conversation (knowing good and well they wouldn’t bother). Then I deleted my profile. These last few sultans had abode, literally, their destined hour with me, and then I sent them on their way.

9 comments:

  1. you've been nominated for the KREATIV BLOGGER AWARD 2010.
    :)~
    HUGZ

    http://defyingthestereotypes.blogspot.com/2010/02/kreativ-blogger-award-2010.html

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  2. Thanks, Ticklebear, that was really thoughtful of you, although I think that you are much more deserving of the award and am glad you've been nominated. Félicitations! I just noticed on the slide show underneath that 4 people from Kazakhstan have viewed your page. How cute, I love it!

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  3. It's weird to comment on something that feels like the commentator himself could have written. It's as weird, even in a comforting way, to realize one is not the only weary of the current gay online dynamics.

    Your stream of thought and of experience seems to alleviate the burden I have been carrying alone. So, it only made sense for me to follow your blog.

    Mes félicitations pour ta nomination et au plaisir de te lire. :)

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  4. Salut Wilmaryad,

    Quelle bonne surprise! Je suis tout à fait honoré de voir ton commentaire ici, car je connais déjà ton blog, en fait-- je l'ai été lire dès cet automne. Je l'ai découvert lors de Ticklebear a laissé un commentaire ici (et j'ai commencé à lire ses blogs, puis j'ai noté qu'il suit ton blog et ses interactions avec toi). Je suis heureux de te lire en bonne humeur après ta rupture difficile de l'été dernier. C'est vraiment difficile de comprendre pourquoi les gens agissent comme ils font. Pourquoi sont-ils jamais sérieux? En tous cas, tu es chanceux d'avoir vraiment ressenti l'amour romantique de tes relations et tes expériences. Comme Dr. Olsen m'a recemment indiqué sur son blog (www.magneticfire.com le dernier commentaire de 'Is this what people think of think of as the gay scene?'), on est probablement beaucoup plus nombreux qu'on penserait de nos expériences personnelles. La chose difficile--c'est de trouver ces personnes, plutôt rare, sur le même chemin ensemble. Juste garde en tête--tu n'es pas seul, et la bonne personne attend te trouver :).

    Je ne penserais pas normalement que mon blog soit vraiment lu, parce que mes articles sont toujours trop longs. Je te remercie de m'avoir lu. Tes articles sont beaucoup plus pratiques! Mon blog, toutefois long, est devenu ma façon d'explorer mon identité sexuelle, un exercice pour me forcer à y penser, pour que je puisse changer et améliorer ma vie et mes expériences dans la communauté gaie. Ce n'est que mon point de vue et parfois ceux des gens que je rencontre sur le chemin de vie. Je me trompe souvent, même (oui, j'avoue :)) parfois dans mes avis ici, et il faut y réfléchir plus. J'apprends toujours. Donc bienvenue, et encore merci pour ton commentaire. En plus, j'aimerais te poser une question. Sais-tu comment soutenir la nomination de Ticklebear? Je ne peux pas trouver le(s) site(s) enligne où une nomination est donnée.

    Au fait, je serai bientôt à Istanbul. Devrais-je préparer un message "FU" pour le mettre dans la boîte aux lettres d'un certain quelqu'un? Ca me ferait plaisir en tous cas :)

    À la prochaine,

    CT

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  5. dear CT,
    tu es aussi meritant que je puisse l'etre, mais a ta facon. tu es cerebral, je suis visceral. gere par mes emotions, je fais les choses a ma maniere, c'est tout.
    heureux de voir que toi & wil vous rejoignez. it's a good fit, i think...
    ;)~
    CT, what a great idea about that note 9in istambul). i'd do it. i've done worse. i once told someone i was breaking off with his boyfriend. nice way to tell someone you won't put up anymore with their b/s.
    as for this post, one of your best, even if it's a long one...
    ;)~
    i can so relate to it. i find that we share the same ethics and that's comforting to me. i thought i was being an ass for being kind.
    well, maybe i am, still.
    as for the nomination,
    it's like a chain letter. you get it and you spread it. that's all. as you kink to me, if you want, you also link your seven nominees, and therefore, people that come across it have a chance to expand their "circle" by discovering blogs they might not have known otherwise.
    hey, that gives me an idea....
    you'll see!!!
    (trust me!!)
    you'll be notified, if all goes well.
    :D~

    as far as i'm concerned, i'll never ask you to meet you, or to have sex with you or whatever. i am content with discovering your mind, a bit of your soul too, right here. it is not to say fate will not make us cross path ever. you could recognize me, as i post pictures of myself... just that i ask nothing of you.

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  6. Coucou CT,

    Eh ben, ce Tick, le bear (il a horreur que je lui trouve des surnoms à tout bout de champ) m'aurait présenté, directement ou indirectement, à pas mal de gens intéressants! J'en suis sincèrement ravi. :)

    Je vais peut-être te surprendre en te disant que, pour moi, un petit ami est carrément secondaire à l'amitié et le partage qui vient avec. Un ami, un vrai, ne te laisse pas tomber, surtout pas dans des moments difficiles. Alors, dès que j'en trouve un digne de confiance, même en ligne, je lui ouvre mon coeur. Qui dit que l'émotion humaine sincère ne peut traverser l'écran d'un ordi?

    Côté coeur, plus j'analyse mon bilan relationnel, plus je me rends compte que je n'ai jamais vraiment été en couple. Excepté pour une idylle de 6 mois à l'âge de 15, toutes mes relations se sont déroulées en ligne. De plus, le mot "relation" est fort dans ce contexte. C'était plutôt moi qui m'amourachais de gars qui ne réciproquaient pas.

    Quant à ressentir l'amour de l'autre, je n'ai connu cela qu'avec 2 gars, l'un desquels est celui qui a rompu avec moi l'été dernier. D'habitude, c'est du manque de sérieux que je me plains, mais dans son cas, c'est de vouloir tout, tout de suite, que je me plaingnais. Maintenant, je réalise qu'il a bien fait de mettre les voiles.

    En tout cas, je suis très heureux de constater que nous partageons pas mal de principes vis-à-vis des relations interpersonnelles. Et tu t'exprimes joliment là-dessus, donc ça fait plaisir de te lire, peu importe la longueur des billets. Si tes émotions pouvaient se réduire à un paragraphe, tu l'aurais déjà fait.

    Et avant de quitter, je te remercie d'avoir pensé à venger mon amour trahit! Cependant, Istanbul, qui se trouve être la terre de mes ancêtres, fut rien que le lieu du "crime". Tous deux avaient pris leurs chemins séparés après un weekend. Ceci dit, si jamais un voyage t'emmène au Texas, fais-moi signe. MDR

    Allez, vraiment ravi d'avoir fait ta connaissance!

    Wilmaryad ... pour l'instant. ;)

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  7. Hey there, it's Dieter! I've just received the 'I Love Your Blog' Award, and blah blah blah, well, a long story (don't wanna squeeze it into YOUR blog-space). But in order to receive it, I was asked to nominate 15 of my favourite blogs. Of course, you're in the list. Dunno what that award is worth, but I just wanted you to know that for me, receiving is nice; handing it over to you is more than that. I send you all the best feelings, Dieter.

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  8. Thanks guys. When I set up this blog, I must admit that I never thought anyone would read it: too long-winded, calculating, inconclusive. Undoubtedly my blog is like this as a consequence of trying to make logic of love and sex and the nature of the motivations behind them. So you can imagine my surprise when I learned that a few people do actually read it and do relate. I'm quite touched. Dieter: thank you so much! I have read your blog from time to time, when you appeared as a follower to mine, and I also very much enjoy the insights you offer there. Unfortunately I've been really busy with my job since that time and haven't had time to read most of your posts, but I will look forward to reading more of it in a month. I promised last February that I will post a "Kreative Blogger" image here, and you, Wilmaryad, and Ticklebear will all be on it! Will, I'm sorry. I do have several articles in head, but just no time to formulate a good article. I will be in Europe for the next month, and when I have spare time I will relishing in art and strolling the Seine. But as soon as I return to reality in June, I promise that I'll have more to say on certain subjects, such as age and how I've integrated my sexuality with my spirituality/religion. Should be fun topics, so I promise to write them! Thanks again, guys--it means a lot to me that there are people out there who care. Take care!

    CT

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