Sunday, August 22, 2010

No More Mr. Nice CT!

I recently received an e-mail from a guy who contacted me online. His couple of e-mails have been rather corny and come-onish, but never in the tasteless fashion that it became tonight. Getting his latest e-mail made me physically sick, not so much because of what he said, but rather because when I first read it I was not at all disgusted. Instead I thought, having been overexposed to so much crap in the gay community for these last couple of years, that it seemed like a rather normal, friendly correspondence to receive. At least he wasn't telling me whether he was a top or bottom. Then I reacted in reading it again and wrote probably the meanest thing I've ever written in my life. But the message is clear. First, I present you with his e-mail to me (translated into English from French), then my response (in English, because I tend to resort to English when I'm pissed). For the first time in a long time, my usual politeness fails me, and ugly, raw anger comes gushing out.

Hey CT. Sorry for the delay in my response, but I have been rather busy. And no, I didn’t actually end up going Montréal to see my friend this weekend. When I do go to Montréal, I like to do it with two friends. So I will be there to see him, then to meet you. I’m hoping that you won’t wait too long in responding to me, as I’m really looking forward to seeing my other friend on the same visit, who is actually not just a friend but a fuckbuddy.

And you must think about benefiting from situations when they are offered to you. My invitation stands, but if you come here to Trois Rivières to visit the city as well as meet me, you risk seeing me in my underwear. So why have you not yet profited from a “trip” to Trois Rivières? Lol

No, it’s true that certain people lack common sense and etiquette. They think that since they are in their own home, they can remain nude, even if they have visitors. As for me, I wouldn’t act that way, simply because I would not be able to conceal my attraction for a guy, if he were to see me entirely nude. But if we can say that eyes are the windows to the soul, we could certainly say that the dick is a window to desire!

Even if I don’t engage in such behaviour, I am someone who will note the little attentions that people give me. Thus I am very touched that you have done me the honour of being in your list of invites, among those who have the power to communicate with you via your e-mail address. Thanks.

I also had a chance to go to Paris, but more within the context of a "pilgrimage." Thus I didn’t really see anything there. But I believe that we would have the advantage of meeting each other. Because like you, I love history a lot, as well as earth sciences, etc. In fact, I take a keen interest in everything, and I’m curious about everything. If it’s something that you like I would like to live it with you, to understand what makes you tick.

I am also particularly passionate in history, whether it be general history or “personal” history. Even if I don’t have an extraordinary capacity in remembering all the dates, it interests me a lot. And when I speak of “personal” history, I want to say that I would like to know where you come from, through where you have passed, your evolution… These are the things that interest me. And I don’t want you to write me about them here. I would much rather that you talk to me in person, because while you speak to me, I will love to see the expressions on your face, you regard toward me, etc….

So then, when you have the opportunity, let me know about making that meeting of ours a reality. I’m really looking forward to seeing in 3D a hot guy, who I hope, is still as handsome and bearded as in his photos.


The Dobster

My Response:

Dearest Dobster,

Thanks for writing this e-mail. It does look like you did put some time and energy into it. Unfortunately, the reason why I'm writing you in English is because it's late, I'm motivated to write you now, I type fast in English, and well, I think the reason why I'm writing in English will become clear as the e-mail devolves before you.

When I joined the website where we met, I took an "oath of humanity" in which I promised to respond, respect and be civilized to everyone who contacted me, to treat them like the real human beings that they are, no matter why they contacted me. This is because I believe that all of us do have some beauty in our souls, and that beauty deserves to be nutured, appreciated and smiled upon, even when that soul is shared online. I promised to show the people that I met the compassion and love I feel on an everyday basis (as a fundamental part of my spirituality)and be real and non-decietful with them, give them a glimpse into my everyday life, and share myself with them. I tried to do this with you, and I have to admit that you intrigued me more than most. But then this was the e-mail that I received in return. Why don't you read your e-mail to me again, really read it carefully. Does it sound like an e-mail that someone would write to another person if they took that person seriously and really respected them? Does it sound like an e-mail written between two mature adults? Would you write an e-mail like this to your boss? To your best friend? To your mother? To your grandmother? No, probably not, because these people offer you respect and love, not "desire", as you put it. It's become abundantly clear in your e-mail where I fit in this framework.

I don't really see any respect in your e-mail, nor any decency, nor any civility. What you wrote here is some of the basest content I've ever received in an internet communication, and that's saying something for someone like me who's been around the gay block. You clearly disrespect your friend, who shares with you an intimate piece of his heart, body, and soul--you hop from his bed to another friend in the same day, then to me as if I'm going to do something for you. Then you ask me to hurry up, because you're really keen on having a fuck and want to be sure to work time in for both of us. Quite frankly, at this point you wouldn't want to see the gestures and expressions on my face, as it really would be something to remember. But not a good memory, that's for sure.

If you had respected me, you would have read my profile, realized that I wasn't looking for what you are clearly expecting, and you would have left me alone. I know it's a rather novel, if not tragic, thought, and I'm a rather tiny minority in this sexually-disgusting sub-culture that gay men seem to have created for themselves, but I don't engage in sexual relations outside of a loving, stable relationship. That is to say, if I am going to engage in intimacy (sexual or otherwise) with another man, it's going to be with someone that I love. No ifs, ands, or buts. Full stop. Love takes time, it takes energy, investment, sacrifice, experience together, trust, committment, and fidelity. I'm not sure if you know much about any of these things. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if you know much about anything at all, as you seem to spend an awful lot of time talking about how intellectually curious you are, yet you clearly have nothing to say on the subjects that you are so curious about. Back to the gay issue--you might think me homophobic. That I am not--I love being gay. It's different, it's quirky, it's natural, it feels right. There's one gay man I love more than any other, and it's me. And I love myself enough not to sacrifice my love and my identity for something cheap that I can honestly (yes, it is possible!) live without. And I will wait until I find what I'm looking for. If I don't find it, I will die alone a miserable, ugly, proud man. In sending me such an inappropriate e-mail, you've violated what's best about your own humanity as well as mine, and I am now justified in breaking my own "oath of humanity."

By the way, I'm glad you didn't contact my other friend from Trois-Rivières. He may have an unhealthy attraction to the radio, but quite frankly, he deserves better. And as for me, well, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to find another beard.....

I am removing you from my list of MSN contacts. You may feel free to respond to this e-mail, but I will not under any circumstances be writing back.



  1. I said it before and will repeat it: the bear sub-community of the gay community is why gays won't attain equal rights. Call me chaetophobic, but I'll never understand the fixation on facial and body hair.

    I have had a profile on all sorts of 'bear' websites at 21, for I had always been self-conscious about my hairy body, and those sites were where I felt accepted. But as soon as I had realized I was nothing but a patch of hair, to guys who think monogamy rimes with narrow-mindedness, I deleted all my accounts. Except for one that I have been using as a socio-psychological study of the hirsute type of guys. And, believe me, it ain't pretty!

    I don't want to go off using deodorant so that some guy gets off sniffing and licking my ripe armpits! I don't wanna sweat while rebuilding Rome in a jock, then give it to a guy so that he uses it as a teddy bear in bed! I don't wanna be tied up to a sling, sniff poppers, and bareback my way to ecstasy! I don't wanna the rod with which your friends/boyfriends/fuck buddies/bros insert in their pee holes to stimulate their prostate! AND I certainly won't take part in your sick "daddy-son" bed dynamics!

    CT - what you may not realize is that, as few as you think these guys are, they always exceed one's expectations. The guy can look "normal", BS his way through a conversation pretending to be a man of few words, and even feign affection skills, but he always ends up with too many an unpleasant skeleton in his closet.

    This subject is, obviously, dear to my heart for all the suffering to which I have been subjected, on the hands of "show drains cloggers." But what matters is that you gave this jerk a piece of your mind! Will somebody ever contradict me when I say that "Too many gay men are but kids with the ability to procreate"?

    Good to see you back. Now, let me go add you on my blog's list of BlogAmis! :)

  2. Salut Will,

    I love your use of language in this comment; I honestly didn't understand your various allusions to "hair"; I had to go seek a dictionary! Don't tell me, however, where you learned such terminology--I have a strong suspicion that I wouldn't want to know :).

    Can you believe that this guy had the nerve to write me back to tell me that he was "gravement blessé." If that's what it takes to teach at least one person a lesson, then I'd write the same e-mail a thousand times. But I don't think he really learned anything. And no, Will, I know that guys like that are a numerous. In my experience, they seem to be the vast majority. I was probably unnecessarily harsh, and no one would hazard to say that an angel inspired such invective. My e-mail to him was probably as much an e-mail to gays everywhere as it was to him, and that's why I thought it might be worthwhile to share it in this blog. I'm just frustrated--I don't understand why no one sees the world the way I do. Why does sex have to the the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega? Why does it have to be the initiator in a relationship? Why can't it be a moment of joy between two people who share something even grander? Why do people construe sex as a necessary instinct instead of a sacred gift? Why can't it be less about lust and more about love?

    In response to your two paragraphs concerning bears, it appears that you've been pummelled with and heard even worse BS than I have. We should start a new blog where we showcase all of the ugly things/ideas people have said over the internet to us--that would probably get people talking! This ugly world, the world of romance and sex, can be just so uncivil, so indescent, so animalistic (and honestly, the vast majority of animals behave more cordially)! If I could be so vain as to become the spokesman for gays (yes, even bears) everywhere for a single moment, I would like to apologize to you for the things that have been said to you and offer you an olive branch of peace and friendship. Will you accept? :)



  3. Coucou CT!

    Wilde said "Experience is what people call their mistakes." Thank you, and good night!

    Nah ... :)

    I think you, Ticklebear and I are of the same mind regarding dating and relationships. He just comes with a pussy, while many guys prefer dogs. ,-) But bedding someone seems to become the test of his loyalty, dedication and genuineness before making him a friend or using him just as a boy toy. Not for me!

    I'm thinking of setting up a gay monastery if you're interested. It's for all those whom emails saying "gravement blessé" have turned into "gravement blasé." And P.S., had the guy not wanted to be hurt, he wouldn't have read your email on his iPhone while driving his scooter downtown! Pfft ...

    As for talking about the uncivil beasts walking around with STD's, I have addressed their cause, and will do it again. That blog of mine will either kill me or have me killed. :) My point is: just because general consensus wants men to think they're dogs doesn't mean they should behave as such. Mind you, dogs have one mating season a year. AND those "bears" woof you when they like you. Dogs in bear clothing? Hmmm ...

    I can't accept your apology because you were not the source of my awakening to the nature of now-too-many ... males (not anything with a penis lives up to the title of Man). I'm just glad somebody understands.

    Allez, ma 'pause snack avant un autre jour de carême' est à présent révolue. Sur ce, je te dis à bientôt.

  4. i go away for a short while, and this is the moment you chose to be a prolific writer?...
    Will certainly made is case about bears, but i believe is goes for the rest of the community as well. men are men and the gift of reasoning seems lost on them as they mostly rely on their basest instincts... if we could procreate, i would understand the impulsiveness, but since it is merely recreational and a goal in itself for many, it does affect their social behavior and self-esteem. pity!!
    i personally find nothing wrong with your reply to that guy. you made your point and stood your ground. good for you. too many chose to compromise. i know i've sometimes been guilty of that, before coming to my senses. now, i've become as intransigeant as my nature and values dictate. i'd rather do without than settle for something beneath what i deserve. i had the misfortune to run into my ex [inside my own building!! let's hope he was only visiting another tennant...] and was reminded of what my life could have been and how low it would have brought me, as the man has no ethics.
    i remember having a profile on a bear site with many locals, and having clearly stated on my profile :no sex!! i wanted to make friends and date somewhat, but no kook-ups!! guys got upset with me because i wouldn't have sex with them, and asked why i did include a couple of revealing pics. i told them that was in the case that things would evolve and come to the point of intimacy, there would be no surprise.
    i thought it would be fair to do so. but since guys don't read profiles and just look at the pics, looking for fresh meat for the night, they got the wrong impression and missed the whole point. so, i deleted my profile. no regrets!! anyway, i wasn't too impressed with what i saw there, conversations leaning always toward sex... boring and none too impressive. except for maybe a couple of guys, this was a total waste of my time.
    so, now, i am content with my blogging, including my queer blog, where i express some of my preferences and occasionally write about my feelings/thoughts about my gay life. with blogging at least, it is a format where i can exercise a certain control and need not apologizing for what i do. but i remain a misfit in real life, and that's ok. i would hate to fall to their level...

  5. @ Will: Thanks for the offer. Actually, I am very interested in that gay monastery idea of yours. There were many years I've thought I'd become a monk. In fact, I have the perfect setting in mind--an abandoned hermitage I discovered on top of a small mount overlooking the Caldera of Santorini in Greece.

    Yes, I never understood why Bears like to "woof", when a real bear in the wild could never conceivably make such a noise. The dog analogy is an apt one.

    As for the guy, he says that he's forgiven me for the e-mail and is ready to interact with me again. Guess who's going to be interacting with himself, because God knows I'm not going to be writing him. I don't understand--there are plenty of beards in Montréal. It's hard for me to imagine an f-friendship, but apparently they exist out there and are rather common. I just think some things are too powerfully intimate for a real friendship to endure without becoming something more complicated (and potentially unequal if one person has genuine feelings and the other does not). Also, look at that e-mail again. That is the e-mail of someone who is trying to seduce me. If he's that awful and superficial in "the chase," can you imagine how tarte and inconsiderate he is once he's finally gotten what he wants--a sex partner? He no longer needs to pursue, I'm guessing what's behind that person, the real Dobster, is 100 times worse than what we got a glimpse of here.

    @ Ticklebear--again, this very thoughtful post deserved to be combined with your other comment and made as a separate posting. I think what you've done with your life is highly noble, and I very much admire you for it. It takes real courage and motivation to do what you did, to say "enough is enough!" and start living your life the way you want to live it and the way you deserve. I know some who came very close to making that life decision that you made, but they didn't succeed as you have. For that alone you deserve a medal and the most loving, loyal, beautiful (and ethical :)) boyfriend in the world. Unfortunately, life rarely works out the way it should, but what you've done is beautiful, and I appreciate what you've shared here with us today.

    As for the profile, don't worry--those of us who say "no sex" and are wearing enough clothes for an invasion of Antartica, even we get mostly sex invitations (or people that will like the ideas that you present in your profile, but will then will just ask you for your height and weight anyway...with something entirely different in mind). Base instincts exist in the world. But when it comes to Pandemic Aphrodite and Uranian Aphrodite, there's no doubt on whose side I stand, and I'm not afraid to let people know it too! It's about time someone have the courage to look at the lowest common denominator, the basest instincts, the impulsiveness, and say "that's crazy, I'm not going to do that! It's my life, and I'm going to live it right!"

    A+ mes amis, merci beaucoup pour vos commentaires, je les ai bien aimés!